It began with a meltdown with my partner. I was triggered by something he did… or more accurately, what he didn’t do. I was beside myself. It felt like a crazy overreaction and yet, there was so much sadness and even anger rising.

I spent the next day so upset. I chatted with friends. I read inspiring books. I processed the emotions that were rising within me, and then I took a long bath.

On emerging from the bath, I sat on the side of my bed and these words ran through my mind as clear as day:

“I WILL ASK NOTHING OF YOU. MY NEEDS ARE NOT IMPORTANT.”

It was the strangest sensation. It was like it wasn’t really my voice – not THIS Katrina’s voice… and yet, I knew that I had said it a hundred times before.

I felt like a woman whose spirit had been broken. Who had been worked on until she no longer fought back. There was no point. She was captive. Her needs were not important. It was easier to just give in and make the best of it.

It didn’t feel like it was even within this lifetime. It felt so much older.

But I have repeated a very specific pattern in romantic relationships. It is a pattern of holding back my desires and needs. If I mention it once that I desire something and the other person argues, or shows that this isn’t what they want, I completely repress the desire. I tell myself that I want too much. That it isn’t reasonable. That I shouldn’t expect this of the other person.

And then there is how I feel about the situation. If I get the sense that the other person does not want what I want, some strange program kicks in within me that convinces me that their reality is just fine. That it is best to swallow my own truth and just stay quiet.

In many places of my life, I am very independent and strong. I think for myself and in fact, have very different ways of seeing the world around me than others.

But in romantic relationships, something changes. Ghosts come into my mind and cloud my vision. My clarity disappears and suddenly I find myself repeating old habits of doing things I don’t want to be doing, accepting situations that I don’t want and “dialing-back” who I really am to make the other person comfortable.

“I WILL ASK NOTHING OF YOU. MY NEEDS ARE NOT IMPORTANT.”

But I don’t want to do this anymore.

I have friends who simply choose to not have relationships because they know that this lives inside of them too. They know that if they get close to someone in this intimate way, they will lose their power too.

We don’t know why it happens. We don’t remember the cause. But we know it does.

And so, “I Will Ask” was born.

From here on in, “I WILL ASK”.

I will ask for my truth to be heard.
I will ask for my needs to be met.
I will ask to matter.

I will not force another to do anything. I will not control others in a selfish way. I will not be aggressive or angry or “against men”.
I will simply honour that what I desire matters.

We live in a time that we don’t “need” each other financially or for safety. We all have choice.
Perhaps when we share our truth, the other will not want to stay. This is better than living a lie.
Perhaps when we share our truth, the other will want to stay and we will engage in a new discussion to see how our vision of the world compliments each other.

All that matters is that… WE MATTER.

Our truth is on the table… and we aren’t taking it off.

It isn’t our opinion.
It isn’t a passing fad.
It is who we are.
It is our desire.
It is our path.

And so, from here on in, “I WILL ASK”.

I would love for you to join me on this journey.

About the Author

Katrina Bos is the author of three books: “You Don’t Have to Eat the Eyeballs: A Story of Travel, People-Pleasing & True Self-Love”, “Tantric Intimacy: Discover the Magic of True Connection” & “What If You Could Skip the Cancer?”. She shares the teachings of tantra, yoga, meditation and grounded-spirituality through online courses, workshops, and private sessions.

For more information about Katrina and her courses, please visit katrinabos.ca & fusiontantra.com.

Katrina Bos

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