Do you ever ask for what you desire and give up if your partner doesn’t hear you, gets defensive, or simply doesn’t seem to want what you want? I have discovered that this is something that I have done a lot in my life.
If I share that I would like something – like say, romance, and I get a “ho hum” response from him (or defensiveness), then some part of me kind of dies inside and simply gives up.
On the surface, my brain tells me that Ido this because I want to honour his path as well. That he needs to do what feels good for him. That whatever I want simply isn’t part of his world. So, I don’t really want to convince him of this. And besides, it’s not the same if he does something just because I want it. It’s better when he does something because he wants to.
This is what my brain repeats over and over again – in my head and to anyone else who will listen.
But this isn’t what my heart says.
My Heart’s Despair
My heart turns away in despair.
It is despair that says that no one will ever want what I want. That that person doesn’t exist. That it is best to just stop looking.
It is despair that says that what I want is too much, too unreasonable and that maybe I’ve just made it up. Maybe it doesn’t even exist.
It is despair that says to just swallow my desire. Find joy in other places. Look at the bright side. It isn’t so bad.
But what if we don’t turn away in despair? What if we stay in the game and have faith that this time might be different.
Perhaps the person you are looking at is new. Maybe they are not the person (or people) in the past who made you believe that what you wanted was unreasonable. This isn’t the person who broke your faith and made you give up.
Or maybe this is the same person that you’ve been with forever and there seems to be no reason to believe that this time will be any different.
We Make the Difference
But the truth is that we can be different. We can recognize the despair reaction within us. We can acknowledge that since despair has shown up, that what we desire is actually really important to us. It is worth standing in our truth. It really matters to us.
And so, we don’t turn away. We listen within for new words or a new perspective to share. We don’t assume that we know what they will say. They are not the historical characters who created this despair. And if they are, perhaps they have had their own internal changes as well since the last time you tried.
Maybe we have a brand new, unexpected outcome.
Or maybe we don’t.
The key is that our desires stay on the table. We don’t want to turn away in despair anymore. The despair has shown up to tell us how important this is to us. We want to choose to stay in the game and keep trying.
Despair is a beautiful messenger. But we don’t want to live there.
It is so much better to stay alive, have faith and see what new things are possible today.
Anything is possible.
We just have to honour our truth and be open to something brand-new appearing.
About the Author
Katrina Bos is the author of three books: “You Don’t Have to Eat the Eyeballs: A Story of Travel, People-Pleasing & True Self-Love”, “Tantric Intimacy: Discover the Magic of True Connection” & “What If You Could Skip the Cancer?”. She shares the teachings of tantra, yoga, meditation and grounded-spirituality through online courses, workshops, and private sessions.